One of our greatest fears is disconnection.
We are terrified that we don’t matter. That we’re not important. That we don’t measure up and that we can’t get it right.
And we don’t just feel these things when we’re having a big crazy argument! These larger-than-life anxieties are all triggered in our normal, day to day life with our partners. Maybe its the tone of your partner’s voice when you walk in late at the end of the day, or the blank stare you get when you are talking about something important–and your partner doesn’t seem to be listening. It’s crazy how these small things can trigger those enormous fears.
Earlier this month I met with a couple for a three-day marriage intensive. The husband told me that for him, one of the hardest day-to-day experiences he goes through is hearing his wife say, “Could you at least help with this or that?”
“‘At least’ implies that I’m useless,” he explained. “That the effort I do make doesn’t count… When she is upset, I hear it in her tone or in the words she uses. Sometimes I see it in a look on her face. It is disappointment. I begin thinking she wished she married someone else. Someone who could get it right.”
This was all news to his wife! In fact, she had a really hard time believing it:
“I’ve been telling him for years that I need him, that he is the man that I want,” she said. “He just shuts down and pulls away from me whenever I try and bring up my needs or loneliness. I usually start off calm and gently. Really, I do! But when he starts to shut down, I get more and more angry. Then, I do yell. I yell to get a response. Any response is better than no response.”
This couple is stuck in the most common pattern of disconnection. It’s the attack/defend or pursue/withdraw cycle. The more one partner pushes, the more the other pulls away. And the more one pulls away, the more the other pushes.
The good news? This is really normal. Seventy-five percent of couples around the world get stuck in this cycle.
But just because it’s normal, doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. It can feel really helpless to get trapped like this.
When your cycle comes up, you can use these five steps to keep yourselves from getting stuck:
1. See it. You can’t change anything unless you know it is there. You can’t provide a treatment unless you understand the disease. The trick is to see your attack/defend or pursue/withdraw cycle in the moment, when it comes up—because it will come up again!
2. Name it. A few months ago I was headed out of town on a weekend when meteorologists were predicting that a hurricane would hit Tampa. I expressed my concern to my husband and said, “I’m really worried about going out of town with a hurricane on it’s way.”
“Kim,” he said, “It’s still a tropical depression. It doesn’t even have a name yet! We’ll be fine.”
I felt like my eyes were opened. He was right! When it became a legitimate threat, it would have a name.
Your pursue/withdraw cycle is real. It is a threat to your relationship. It is your common enemy: It is not your fault, or your spouse’s fault. It is the cycle’s fault. And until it has a name, it seems like an abstract concept that may or may not exist.
I encourage you to find a name for your cycle that is meaningful for you. Many of my clients use weather metaphors–hurricane, tornado, tsunami, drought, or quicksand. Even if you simply call it “the crazy cycle,” that works! Just give it a name.
3. Stop it. You can stop the cycle when you can say, “Hey, I can see we are getting into quicksand again, and we don’t want to do that anymore. Let’s stop right now.”
When you reframe the cycle, you shift from making “I” and “You” statements to seeing the problem as a common enemy. It’s no longer, “You won’t talk to me!” or “I can’t deal with all these demands!” It’s simply:
“We’re stuck in the cycle.”
“We are doing that thing again. I don’t think we want to go down this path.”
4. Own it. It is important to own your position in the cycle. “I can tell that I am starting to get critical, and I know that makes you want to pull away from me. I don’t want to be critical, I’m trying to find a way to reconnect.”
or
“I can feel I am starting to shut down. I know that makes you really anxious. I need some time to process what is going on. Then we can talk about it again tomorrow.”
5. Get it. This step is the hardest. It is about trying to understand why the cycle happens.
And it’s not just about getting it on a cognitive level. It’s really getting it in your bones. As you begin to see why your partner blames or withdraws, you begin to experience him or her differently. This is the first necessary shift towards a fulfilling relationship.
What looks like indifference, is really a sense of inadequacy. Your partner doesn’t pull away from you because you don’t matter. Your partner pulls away from you because you matter so much. It hurts too much to be a disappointment to you, so to manage that pain, he pulls away or defends.
What looks like disappointment and disgust, is really desperation. Your wife does not blame and criticize because you are a lousy husband. She blames and criticizes because she desperately wants to matter to you. I know it doesn’t feel that way at the time. But when she feels disconnected, it is so scary to her that she tries to get a response from you in any way she can.
(I use the pronoun he for the partner that withdraws and she for the partner that moves towards because that is the most common scenario. Certainly those roles could be reversed.)
The whys of the cycle are so important! Understanding that your partner’s deepest desires–to connect with you, to be important to you, to be enough for you–are the same as yours can help you come together as a team, even when you express those fears in different ways.
How do you keep yourselves from getting stuck in your negative cycle?
The post The Part of Your Relationship You Can’t Afford to Ignore appeared first on Kim Blackham, LMFT.