Coreen Roebuck* had just moved for her husband’s residency when she woke up realizing she was going to lose their baby. At 13 weeks pregnant, she knew there was no other reason for her cramping and bleeding.
“I immediately tried to call my husband,” she told me at our first session. “He usually couldn’t answer when I would call, but he would call me back when he was available. I had never called him more than once at a time.
“I called fifteen times.
“It would ring, I’d get voicemail, hang up and call again. Over and over and he still didn’t answer. I even tried power paging him. He still never called me back.
“I was so scared. I had chosen the OB I wanted to use, but had not had my first appointment. They referred me to the emergency room because I wasn’t an already established patient.
“My closest friend or family member was over 1000 miles away. As I lay with my face on the cold bathroom tile floor, I realized I was going to lose my baby, and I was completely alone.”
Are You There for Me?
Knowing that our partner will be there for us when we need them is one of the most crucial elements of a successful relationship.
Even partners in strong relationships will inevitably get that wrong sometimes and hurt each other. One of the things that sets master couples apart from distressed couples is not their lack of hurt or misunderstanding, but rather their ability to repair these hurts and then reconnect.
The nature of the medical profession often causes one or both partners to be unavailable when they are sorely needed by the other. You might end up feeling like you come “second” to medicine, or that you cannot count on your spouse because of his or her career or other interests. These feelings are both deeply painful and damaging to the relationship. This is what Coreen Roebuck was feeling when she and her husband Jesse came to see me for marriage counseling.
Two Apologies that Just Don’t Work
“It doesn’t matter what I say,” Jesse told me. “I have tried apologizing a hundred times and it doesn’t seem to help. She’s not angry or unkind, but I can tell that something has changed. Like she just doesn’t trust me the same as she used to.”
The mistrust Jesse mentioned continued to plague them even after his apologies because not all apologies are created equally.
When we say, “I’m sorry,” that is really to make ourselves feel better isn’t it? There is nothing in a simple “I’m sorry” to offer comfort or reassurance to our partner, to show them that they matter, that we understand how we hurt them and that we want to make it right. Apologies on this level are about trying to end the conversation so we can wash our hands of it and move on.
Maybe you have heard that it helps to apologize with empathy, acknowledging how the other person must have felt. Jesse told me he had tried this, too.
“I told her I was sorry she felt so alone and that she was scared.” He looked at Coreen. “I really am sorry you were scared. I am sorry you are so sad about losing the baby.”
Coreen gave him a half smile. It was obvious she had heard that apology before and that she appreciated it, but it was not enough to restore the trust and connection. Jesse could sense this without her even saying anything.
He looked at me bewildered and hopeless and said, “Nothing I say can make this better!”
Most people would think his was an adequate apology. He said he was sorry. He even acknowledged how she felt. In many ways, it was a sweet apology.
The Missing Piece
There is one element, however, that is missing. Researchers have found that in order for apologies to be effective, the injured partner needs to know not only that their partner understands their pain, but also that their pain impacts their partner. It’s not enough simply to acknowledge that the injured partner was sad, hurt, or embarrassed. They need to know that their sadness, hurt, or embarrassment matters to their spouse.
I could see Jesse’s desperation to comfort his wife and his frustration at his inability to reach her.
“Jesse,” I asked, “what happens for you when you hear your wife say she was lying on the cold bathroom tiled floor scared and alone?”
His face softened and he looked down at his hands.
“I feel sick inside. This was all my fault. I’m the one who screwed up and didn’t stand up and leave conference to take her call. It is because of me,” he said as his voice began to crack, “that she was lying there scared and alone. I was at the hospital taking care of other patients while my wife was home needing me to take care of her, and I was totally unavailable.”
A Meaningful, Effective, Reconnecting Apology
“Jesse,” I whispered, “I don’t think she knows that. Could you turn and share that with her?”
“Oh, Coreen,” he said looking up with deep sadness and regret on his face, “I am so sorry. I am so sorry that I wasn’t there for you. I’m sorry I moved you to a city without any friends or family and that you didn’t even have a doctor. I am ashamed that I was worried about my attendings getting angry at me for leaving conference to take your call. I’m ashamed that I wasn’t there to comfort you and that instead you were scared and alone. I wish I could go back to that moment and do it differently. If I had known, I would have done it differently.”
At that, Coreen began sobbing and fell into his chest.
It is this apology – the one with empathy and vulnerability – that has the power to heal the disconnection and bring them back to each other. When we show up and let our partner know that his or her pain impacts us, then we have the ability to effectively heal hurts and repair disconnection.
Have you ever been the recipient of an insufficient apology? Have there been times when you needed to apologize that would have been more effective if you had approached it differently? Does your partner deserve a sincere and vulnerable apology from you right now?
Perhaps you were quick to criticize your partner when she came home late again, not knowing that she had spent the last several hours coding a patient in the ICU or explaining a child’s new cancer diagnosis to his mother.
We all will mess up and hurt our partners. The key to a fulfilling relationship is learning how to repair those hurts as quickly and as effectively as possible. This week, challenge yourself to apologize with empathy and vulnerability, and see if brings the two of you closer.
*Names have been changed to protect client confidentiality.
**Article first appeared in Physician Family Magazine Spring 2015
The post Not All Apologies Are Created Equally appeared first on Kim Blackham, LMFT.