There was a time when I didn’t believe our marriage could survive medicine. Every physician couple I talked to painted a grim picture, full of lonely days and even lonelier nights. Then they would start quoting statistics about physician divorces.
I don’t think I was ever afraid of divorce, but I was deeply afraid of parallel living. I didn’t marry my best friend to end up as roommates. That wasn’t the life I wanted, but at first I was terrified that it was inevitable.
It took several years for me to figure out how to make our life different than the stories I was hearing. Part of that process was believing it was possible. When I changed my mindset and began believing, the course of our marriage changed.
Let me offer four reasons why believing your marriage can be successful and deeply fulfilling – regardless of the demands of life – is crucial:
1. Positive thinking makes you intentional.
Waiting for life to happen to you makes you a victim. When you are intentional, you make a concerted effort to do only the things that will help you achieve your goal. You no longer wait for things to fall into place on their own. Instead, you actively work to make your goal a reality. Intentionality is marriage is essential!
2. Positive thinking gives you hope.
When my husband was on his trauma surgery rotations, he told me how much easier it became for him to assume that life was more dangerous than it really was. It would be easy to become more afraid of your family getting into a car accident when you saw the results of those traumas day in and day out, wouldn’t it? The reality is, however, that we were not at any greater risk of getting into an accident during his trauma rotation than we were any other rotation.
A similar phenomenon can crop up in our marriages. The things that fill our minds and hearts also impact our emotions, and the thoughts we dwell on shape our feelings. If you believe your marriage can’t survive, you will feel more depression, anxiety, shame, and fear. If you believe your marriage can thrive, your emotions will reflect that belief, too.
3. Positive thinking helps you focus on truth.
Believing your marriage will survive allows you to see things for what they really are.
Our minds are constantly looking for “proof” to back up our conclusions. If you believe your marriage will fail, you will be looking for and cataloging all the “proof” you can find to confirm and feed that fear. When you believe a thriving marriage is possible, your mind will instead look for ways to “prove” that that assumption is correct. Focusing on truth changes the way you see your spouse’s intentions.
4. Positive thinking changes the advice you seek.
Once I decided that our marriage would thrive – no matter what – I stopped listening to any advice that suggested it wouldn’t.
I no longer wanted to hear how hard it was. I already knew that. I didn’t want to participate in complaining about long work hours, disappointments, or missed family dinners. I only wanted to hear the advice that would help me strengthen my marriage. Changing my perspective allowed me to find the resources and guidance that would really help me achieve what I wanted most.
Believing your medical marriage can thrive is the first step in making that a reality. It’s okay if you cannot see “the how” yet. That will come. For now, start with the belief.
How do your beliefs about marriage impact the way you interact with your partner on a daily basis?
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